The Shitty First Draft

So, I've started writing a novel. I've dabbled in poetry for over half of my life and am slowly beginning to realize I'm actually not half bad at it. And maybe it was this realization that made me decide is was worth diving into the novel writing scene. To be one hundred percent honest. I am TERRIBLE at it. Or at least that's what I've been convincing myself for the last week. I formatted it to the average size of a published book and so far I'm about 16 pages into it and it just feels so out of place!

When I sit down to write my poetry it's effortless. Falls out of me like babies out of octomom. but this first draft of my story hasn't been quite so easy. I've been agonizing over it too, like it's going to completely define my future or something. And then I stumbled upon the greatest piece of fact EVER.

Everybody writes a shitty first draft. It doesn't matter if you're Stephen King or Joe Schmo. It's just part of that thing we call the creative process. The first draft is made solely to get it all out. Word vomit and then edit.

It seems so silly but I am freaking ecstatic. Maybe I'm not as bad at this as I thought. Or maybe I am but at least I can fool myself for a while in thinking that I might be okay at it. Either way. Awesome fact of the day.

The Flaws That We Realize in Ourselves

So I'm one of those people who take inspiration from others quickly. When others look inside themselves I tend to follow suite and realize maybe that's what I should have been doing the whole time. It's often significantly easier to admit your flaws when you realize that we are all people and we all have flaws regardless of whether or not we want to admit them. It's like refusing to acknowledge that the sky is blue. It will still be blue, you will just be sitting all alone in your corner working your brain magic and convincing yourself it's shamrock.

So my most recent discovery, which I've been talking with Elle about wanting to get better at is being a judgemental asshole. There's really no other way to explain or describe it, I'm 100% for keeping it real. I used to pride myself on being so accepting and free. Elle fondly refers to me as the hippie on occasion. But lately I've noticed I really just dislike most people and judge them on their behaviors pretty much on a daily basis. It's not that I have no patience, because generally I have the patience of a saint. Maybe that's only with kids though. And it's not even that I'm unhappy because I generally don't feel like I am. But I am just constantly judging people on things that are really none of my business.

My biggest one is parenting. Raise your kids however you want but the fact is, I'm going to get annoyed that you're letting your small child dance around the aisles of walmart at 11:30pm with a plastic bag on their head.  Sometimes I guess I just take it too far. Parents have different views. My god sons favorite show is South Park, and I personally think it's terrible. Especially since he's become prone to say Damn. Or even the occasional F*** it. Yet his mother sees absolutely nothing wrong with her nearly three year old dropping more f bombs than I do. (Which I will admit can be a feat in itself) Now again, it's not my place to judge but I do. So hard. And then, what makes it even worse is that I judge people for judging people on things that I don't feel like they should be judged on. Oh yeah, figure that riddle out.

A great example. My mother in law is a really sweet lady, I have to say that first and foremost because I do love her. I have more of a connection with her than I do my own mother. Which isn't difficult but must mean something. But she drives me absolutely insane with her obsession with 'beauty'. She can't simply allow people to be themselves. She can't let fat people be fat, or scary people be scary she has to wish everybody in the world can be clean cut, thin, and beautifully made up even when running to the grocery store.

Now, if you know me you'll understand why this drives me freaking INSANE. I'm a very open person when it comes to stuff like that, usually. I mean... if you're 300 pounds in cut off shorts and a tube top, I will stare at you. Just a forewarning. But I'm pretty sure I can count the times I've worn make up on my hands. I am all for natural beauty. Elle is most attractive to me when she first wakes up, hair in a crazy bun with a sleepy eye. But her mom just puts so much emphasis and pressure on her to be the perfect looking person (Which she already is) But I just need to accept that some people need to make other people feel lesser to feel better. And that sometimes they enjoy looks more than they should. I am a firm believer that you can have a great personality and your looks won't matter but if you have a terrible personality it doesn't matter how attractive you are. Bad people are just bad people. good people don't base relationships, specifically long lasting ones, solely off the way people look.

So working to be less judgemental is my current conquest. I'm on this whole "Becoming a good person so I can be a good parent" kick. I want to be somebody my little Peanut can look up to. So I have about a year (hopefully *knock on wood*) To be the person I would want my child to be.

See! I'm Getting Back in the Swing

Aha! I knew I could get in the swing of this whole blogging thing! Though I'm really trying not to give myself too much credit. We'll see the way things progress I suppose.

So much is going on. It's spinning out of control in the best way possible. Ellie loves her job! She's much more agreeable when she's happy so days have been filled with kisses and cuddles and money making. I've been scoping the fields and in the meantime working on my novel as much as possible. It's not as easy as I was hoping, which I know must sound silly. But poetry comes so easy to me. I sit down and spit it out like it's nothing. Novel writing is more precise. I spent about a month focusing just on character development. But I do feel a lot more confident in it's progression so far.

Easter was an absolute hit! Kai and Bunny (our god children) adore each other and it was really nice to have the four of us all in the same place. They had the crowd rolling almost instantly. Bun showed up crying because she had left a blanket at home and Kai's almost immediate solution was to offer her every bit of change he had in his pocket. They spent the next few hours doing all those silly things toddlers do. Playing in the sand, kicking his easter truck until we thought it would combust and then of course trading girl things for boy things after the easter hunt. Kai didn't want to leave, and as always everybody fell in love with him. He liked Monster a lot too. He was showing him his new phone and the pictures of some robot...monster...truck thing. Kai thought it was the best thing he had ever seen and when we tried to ask him anything he would just put his finger to his lips and shush us. So funny but such a little turd sometimes!

Elle and I are growing gradually more excited about moving towards having our own little bean! We've already got an apartment picked out for starting and  slowly we're picking out things we want not only for the new place but for the new addition to our family. We had some names picked out but since both of our best friends are going to be the god parents we're letting them get in on the fun and pick out middle names. It's exciting for them, and us but really hard at the same time because Elle and I are so particular about names!
We also got a dispenser for.. little swimmers, ha. I feel like at first this is going to be a nerve racking and awkward process but we're both so looking forward to it.

I'll keep you all posted! And everything going on other than that too. The job hunt and all that jazzy jazz.

Blogging is hard

Time keeps escaping from me. Time is moving too fast. It's almost Easter and I keep asking myself where has the year gone?!
Elle's best friend is in town from New York until the 17th of next month so I got to meet her. She is lovely and I know now why she and Elle are so close.
My godsons mother is home all the time for a while and though I hate to say it, she's ruining him. He seems agitated and anxious all the time. Won't listen to anybody. I miss the little boy I layed 'nummy fingers' with and he seems to be worlds away from us.

On a much more positive note Elle starts her job Monday which helped us gain the confidence and we finally got the paperwork drawn up for donor! That means we will be trying for our very baby in about a month and a half. Im absolutely ecstatic and so is Elle. We've been waiting a long time die this. It feels right, I keep thinking to myself ' am I really ready for this?' But the answer is always the same. I've wanted this, with Elle for a long time. My life couldn't go in any other direction that would make me happier. She is my future, and I see that everytime I look into her eyes. She is home, and home has turned into a very lovely place.

Already, I'm falling behind.

Already I find myself being pulled away from the blog. Simply because I have no computer of my own and tend to type like an absolute moron when I use my phone. It's not, in any way as if I've run out of things to talk about (if you know me, you'd know that is simply impossible) so this may be quite a few things rammed into one. instead of doing the smart thing and spreading them out over a few.

So, yesterday I called Jesh, well I guess I actually text my mom and had her talk to somebody, who talked to somebody else, and then he called me. Which is obnoxious. But it was so bittersweet to talk to him. He's such a trooper and does his best to make everything seem like it's okay, even when it's not. He's such a cynic at heart but when he thinks he could hurt somebody with how he's feeling he simply picks the happiest part of his life and talks only about that. Such a sweet heart. It kills me.

While talking to him, I found out my sister got kicked out. So the two kids are staying with family friends all alone. sharing the livingroom and really just trying their best to stay out from under everybodies feet. Their mom is still a pot smoking loser (not that I think everybody who smokes pot is a loser but if you do it in front of your kids, then we've got beef) That's like me saying everybody who drinks has problems. Absolutely not but if you get hammered five nights a week and call your teenager names, you probably deserve a swift kick in the teeth. You know who you are.

What baffles me is that I want this boy so bad. It's hard to explain the hardship dealt with when it came to my niece. It isn't something as simple as 'it was hard, so I don't want to do it anymore'. I personally feel like you can't help somebody who doesn't wish to be helped. Regardless of age, creed, gender, mental capacity. You just can't. And I have too much going on nearly all the time to be sinking time, effort, money, emotion into something or someone who is never going to appreciate it. So with my nephew, he takes everything we say into consideration and consistently tries to better himself. He is by no means the perfect kid but man, he is really close. My niece on the other hand will break your things, lie to your face and then when you punish her complain about how you hurt her feelings. I get she's only nine and maybe I am too young to be dealing with kids of that age but... just UGH.

Anyways, back to what I was saying, it baffles me that I want my nephew SO badly. I am always thinking of ways to make his life better and easier and provide for him. Yet his mother continues to turn away from her children and act like she is still a teenager. Refuses to find a job, or look for a suitable house. If it isn't handed to her it simply just isn't worth the effort. She blames it on having a rough childhood which makes me want to laugh in her face. Not to say she had it easy but she's never taken the time to ask how my childhood was. And look how I turned out? I mean, no drugs, little amounts of booze. I'm in a monogamous, happy relationship. Pretty much one of my biggest downfalls is I'm a lesbian.

So Elle and I have these jobs in the wings, Elle found out today she got hers and I won't find out until Thursday at the latest either way. Needless to say it's pretty agonizing. But the current plan.
Get jobs. Work our asses off. Get an apartments. And get back the boy. Even he jokes that he was made for me. And it really is as true as could be.

Too much information here to continue on with life events. Expect more soon.

Back Story Part Two: The Knight and The Princess

When I was 11, going on 12 years old. I meet my nephew for the first time. He was only a couple months old bit from the first moment I was completely enamored. He was beautiful and I instantly have him my while heart. My blood father hated his mother though, and after the few months I spent with him I was not able to see him for years. I got pictures and each day that passed he grew so big, and smart. I missed him every single day.

A year later my disaster had another child, this time a girl. I only revived pictures of both of them. I was finally able to meet my niece, Kayden (who's name is derived from my name as well add my moms) and finally see Jeshua again (who's middle name is part of my middle name) when I was nearly 18, having left home... Early to put it lightly.

I loved my niece, but that bond I had developed with my nephew was just.. Irreplaceable. He reminded me of myself add a child. Smart, quiet, shy. Sensitive and always out to help others. The fall following my 18th birthday I revived a frantic call from my sister. And thus started the vicious cycle.

Since that frantic call I've cared for my niece and nephew for extended periods of time on 3 separate occasions. In many ways they have helped me grow and learn the things I want to give my children. My nephew had continued to be more like me than any one else in our god forsaken family. And my heart breaks for him. I may be you'd but I would give anything for him to live with us once again, and adopt him as our own.

Needless to say, my sister and I no longer speak. There's only so much one person can take.

So everybody, keep your fingers crossed that my nephew ends up in his rightful place.

Back Story Part One: You Meet the Girl

So, obviously my life didn't miraculously begin the moment I met Ellie. Though I must admit it got vastly better. Before then I was a girl lost. It sounds so cliche but it is far from untrue. I was constantly onto the next thing, jumping state as if it were a fad. Meeting people, and ultimately hurting almost every single one of them, or being hurt by them. It was almost a way of life. A game I played with the universe. Despite being quite terrible at it.

The story if Elle and I, sounds pretty bad on the outside. She was the straight friend of my girlfriend at the time, we'll simply refer to her as Bat Shit Crazy, or as a time conserving method, BSC. Elle and I officially met when I was 19 (for those who may try and figure out my exact age you may want to write this down for a math equation later) and though BSC had tried get damnedest to make us hate each other. From moment one I was pretty hooked.

Now you have to imagine, Elle is pretty much the most gorgeous creature imaginable. All biased aside. She's model tall, blue green eyes you can lose yourself in, snow white skin and brown hair so dark you'd think it was black. Aka= dream girl.

Fast forward about a year and we were fast friends and I had left BSC in another state entirely with no way to come back. Ooops? Just so everyone knows, she deserved it. And everybody else was just as happy with her sudden disappearance.

Now, Elle and I decided we would hang out once a month, which turned into once a week, which turned into 4 times a week, begging for more. I was like a puppy. We watched movies, played McDonalds Monopoly like it was a religion, and somehow managed to fall desperately in love.

I'm not saying our relationship is perfect, or that we've not had our share of problems but with everything we've been through the past 2+ years (how's the math coming along?) I've never been more sure about where my life is going.

Elle is famous for quoting 'your life sucks' in regards to my childhood, primarily. And she was entirely right. Until she showed up, my life was terrible and I don't think she'll ever realize that every day it gets better because of her.

More back story at a later date. Then up to date with the crazy story of life.