Thursday, February 21, 2013
So, yesterday I called Jesh, well I guess I actually text my mom and had her talk to somebody, who talked to somebody else, and then he called me. Which is obnoxious. But it was so bittersweet to talk to him. He's such a trooper and does his best to make everything seem like it's okay, even when it's not. He's such a cynic at heart but when he thinks he could hurt somebody with how he's feeling he simply picks the happiest part of his life and talks only about that. Such a sweet heart. It kills me.
While talking to him, I found out my sister got kicked out. So the two kids are staying with family friends all alone. sharing the livingroom and really just trying their best to stay out from under everybodies feet. Their mom is still a pot smoking loser (not that I think everybody who smokes pot is a loser but if you do it in front of your kids, then we've got beef) That's like me saying everybody who drinks has problems. Absolutely not but if you get hammered five nights a week and call your teenager names, you probably deserve a swift kick in the teeth. You know who you are.
What baffles me is that I want this boy so bad. It's hard to explain the hardship dealt with when it came to my niece. It isn't something as simple as 'it was hard, so I don't want to do it anymore'. I personally feel like you can't help somebody who doesn't wish to be helped. Regardless of age, creed, gender, mental capacity. You just can't. And I have too much going on nearly all the time to be sinking time, effort, money, emotion into something or someone who is never going to appreciate it. So with my nephew, he takes everything we say into consideration and consistently tries to better himself. He is by no means the perfect kid but man, he is really close. My niece on the other hand will break your things, lie to your face and then when you punish her complain about how you hurt her feelings. I get she's only nine and maybe I am too young to be dealing with kids of that age but... just UGH.
Anyways, back to what I was saying, it baffles me that I want my nephew SO badly. I am always thinking of ways to make his life better and easier and provide for him. Yet his mother continues to turn away from her children and act like she is still a teenager. Refuses to find a job, or look for a suitable house. If it isn't handed to her it simply just isn't worth the effort. She blames it on having a rough childhood which makes me want to laugh in her face. Not to say she had it easy but she's never taken the time to ask how my childhood was. And look how I turned out? I mean, no drugs, little amounts of booze. I'm in a monogamous, happy relationship. Pretty much one of my biggest downfalls is I'm a lesbian.
So Elle and I have these jobs in the wings, Elle found out today she got hers and I won't find out until Thursday at the latest either way. Needless to say it's pretty agonizing. But the current plan.
Get jobs. Work our asses off. Get an apartments. And get back the boy. Even he jokes that he was made for me. And it really is as true as could be.
Too much information here to continue on with life events. Expect more soon.
Monday, February 11, 2013
When I was 11, going on 12 years old. I meet my nephew for the first time. He was only a couple months old bit from the first moment I was completely enamored. He was beautiful and I instantly have him my while heart. My blood father hated his mother though, and after the few months I spent with him I was not able to see him for years. I got pictures and each day that passed he grew so big, and smart. I missed him every single day.
A year later my disaster had another child, this time a girl. I only revived pictures of both of them. I was finally able to meet my niece, Kayden (who's name is derived from my name as well add my moms) and finally see Jeshua again (who's middle name is part of my middle name) when I was nearly 18, having left home... Early to put it lightly.
I loved my niece, but that bond I had developed with my nephew was just.. Irreplaceable. He reminded me of myself add a child. Smart, quiet, shy. Sensitive and always out to help others. The fall following my 18th birthday I revived a frantic call from my sister. And thus started the vicious cycle.
Since that frantic call I've cared for my niece and nephew for extended periods of time on 3 separate occasions. In many ways they have helped me grow and learn the things I want to give my children. My nephew had continued to be more like me than any one else in our god forsaken family. And my heart breaks for him. I may be you'd but I would give anything for him to live with us once again, and adopt him as our own.
Needless to say, my sister and I no longer speak. There's only so much one person can take.
So everybody, keep your fingers crossed that my nephew ends up in his rightful place.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
So, obviously my life didn't miraculously begin the moment I met Ellie. Though I must admit it got vastly better. Before then I was a girl lost. It sounds so cliche but it is far from untrue. I was constantly onto the next thing, jumping state as if it were a fad. Meeting people, and ultimately hurting almost every single one of them, or being hurt by them. It was almost a way of life. A game I played with the universe. Despite being quite terrible at it.
The story if Elle and I, sounds pretty bad on the outside. She was the straight friend of my girlfriend at the time, we'll simply refer to her as Bat Shit Crazy, or as a time conserving method, BSC. Elle and I officially met when I was 19 (for those who may try and figure out my exact age you may want to write this down for a math equation later) and though BSC had tried get damnedest to make us hate each other. From moment one I was pretty hooked.
Now you have to imagine, Elle is pretty much the most gorgeous creature imaginable. All biased aside. She's model tall, blue green eyes you can lose yourself in, snow white skin and brown hair so dark you'd think it was black. Aka= dream girl.
Fast forward about a year and we were fast friends and I had left BSC in another state entirely with no way to come back. Ooops? Just so everyone knows, she deserved it. And everybody else was just as happy with her sudden disappearance.
Now, Elle and I decided we would hang out once a month, which turned into once a week, which turned into 4 times a week, begging for more. I was like a puppy. We watched movies, played McDonalds Monopoly like it was a religion, and somehow managed to fall desperately in love.
I'm not saying our relationship is perfect, or that we've not had our share of problems but with everything we've been through the past 2+ years (how's the math coming along?) I've never been more sure about where my life is going.
Elle is famous for quoting 'your life sucks' in regards to my childhood, primarily. And she was entirely right. Until she showed up, my life was terrible and I don't think she'll ever realize that every day it gets better because of her.
More back story at a later date. Then up to date with the crazy story of life.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
My name is Kayla. I realize the longer I live with my name how much it sucks. It's too common and very awkward when you answer as a stranger yelling for their child as if you've known them for years and are going to sit down to brunch. Then I realize that there are people out there who name thier children Moon Unit, Bingham, or any other name that makes you want to face palm everytime you hear it. So I guess I can't complain too much on the name front.
I am a twenty-something year old. Sometimes I swear I forget my age and sometimes I suppose I just don't care to relay it to others. I am engaged, to the most wonderful woman I have ever met in my life. She and I have been together for over two years and I'm pretty sure she is the only one who could deal with my crap, so this must be love. (In all reality I would lose my marbles without her, I'm pretty lucky.)
We're Arizonians for now, and hating every minute of it. They say it's a dry heat, and it really isn't all that bad, but I assure you that this is a dirty, dirty lie. Dry heat, wet heat, heat heat, it's still hot and it still sucks. We have two seasons a year, summer and eh...fall? And the current mission is to abandon post, and in doing so abandoning all family and friends and moving across the country. MA to be more specific. It's not that we don't love our family and the friends we have grown so close to over the last however many years. It's that when making a list... it looked a little something like this
- Better Economy
- More Culture
- Better Education system
- Better Seasons
- Lower Unemployment Rate
- Legal recognition
and it just kind of seemed like a no brainer. Though please, correct me if I'm wrong.
In a sense, I guess that's why I wanted to write a blog at all. The next few years are bound to be the most exciting/stressful/everythingelsegoodandbad years of our life. Between moving across the country, planning a very difficult wedding (with little to no support) followed by the long road of trying to create life (preferably twice) and I am going to share this all with the vastly growing internet crowd! Yay for me.
Well, here goes nothing. The blogging journey begins